Deep Dive #1: I Read 'Monster High' And Thought It Was Ridiculous A Girl Would Date A Boy Sh

This is the first StandOut Deep Dive, where we look at the intricacies and individual nuances of sexuality and gender through the personal experiences of one of our members. The theme is Bisexuality and Bigender, complex and wildly variable facet of identities within the LGBT community.

I interviewed one of our members, who is 16 and bisexual, to find out more. Excerpts of this deep dive will be featured in our upcoming Teens Resource Pack.

Being Bisexual

First, how would you describe being bisexual to someone who knows nothing about it?

That's super easy. I have the potential to be attracted to anyone! I know there’s a lot of definitions of bisexuality, and mine is that I am attracted to (1) my gender and (2) other genders.

What is your personal experience of being bisexual?

When I was 9, I read Monster High. I thought it was ridiculous that one of the girls would date a boy she wasn’t interested in -- instead of her best friend! For the first time, I realised that girls could date each other.

I immediately felt hyper-sexualised.

"I only ever saw lesbians as male entertainment, and bisexuals as a college girl’s experiment."

When I realised I was neither of these things, I concluded that I must be straight - the big bad misogyny confused the silly straight girl with their objectification! I tried to learn how to be straight, to un-learn this media brainwashing for four years.

Then, in the 8th grade, my friend came out to me. Simple as can be, I realised I was bisexual, and came out to my friends a week later. It was about a year later that I came out to my mother, even doing a test-run on a friend of hers. She didn’t fully accept it for the first year, and I let her process this on her own time. She believed I was too young to be bisexual at 14 -- she had asked me similarly at 9 - “How do you know what that word means!?”

While it was sad, but I couldn’t push her; she, like others, had unwittingly hyper-sexualised my orientation, and I would have to give her time just as I had needed. I made regular reminders - “The road’s straight, unlike me!” - voice shaking and all. If she chuckled, I counted it as a win, and let it be for another couple of days. Today, she is fully aware and supportive of my identity.

From the moment I came out to her, I began to bond closer with my mother. After coming out, you feel a weight lifted off of you, and the constant anxiety of a trip-up is gone. My worries of letting her know "too much” were gone.

What are some misconceptions about being bisexual?

As I previously stated, media representation made me feel hyper-sexualised as a bisexual. In recent years, the stereotype of the "college experiment" has waned in power and overtness, but it's still carried as a joke. Bisexuality’s latest stereotype instead is youth!

“Nowadays everyone’s bisexual” is the latest way to discredit the exploration of sexuality.

It was trait attributed to me - high school gets hormones going, of course there’ll be a mixed wire! Another stereotype, one which I haven’t experienced, is the “Cheating Bisexual”. There’s a belief - not strictly in straight communities - that with all the options before a bisexual, it is impossible for us to make the choice, to resist, to stay to the single partner! This is completely false, and dehumanises us. We aren’t animals that jump to the first treat we see. Some of us have standards.

What are some questions you get about being bisexual?

I came out to my mother - the final coming out - in the 9th grade. Since I’ve been out since then, it’s basically common knowledge, and I haven’t faced any questions, apart from the occasional invasive question about the queer sex life; which, shockingly, I have no experience with.

Being Bigender

You also identify as gender diverse, more specifically, bigender! Can you tell me what that means to you?

I define bigender as the experience of fluctuating between 2 gender identities. The identities I fluctuate between are female, and non-binary. Bigender comes under the umbrella of genderfluid, and also the umbrella of non-binary.

What are some of your experiences being bigender?

I first realised I wasn’t female when I got my first good “boy wig” for a cosplay. I was overcome by a sudden joy, looking at myself in the mirror - with short hair, I thought, no one can know for sure I'm a girl. At the convention I met a trans masculine person, and expressed this to him - a form of validation, so I could begin thinking about this without feeling guilty. I later watched a performance of “The Elephant In The Room”, the band Axis Of Awesome’s official clearing-of-the-air when a band member came out as a trans woman and began transitioning.

As I watched, I felt the incredibly sore feeling of joy which I can only describe as gender euphoria - an antithesis of gender dysphoria.

I did not want to transition as male, but I felt distinct joy at the options before me. Gender was hard for me to pin down, and still is. I identify as bigender because I tend to flip between two states: female, and non-binary. The experience of the non-binary bit fluctuates, but it’s really not something I’m able to categorise or compare. I don’t even know how to define the gender I feel at those times, so I consider it to be the facets of the same gender, which I’m still working out. This is really hard because I go to a girls-only school, and I don’t even know if my female state is caused only by socialisation. Defining all this stressed me out, and in the end that’s why now, I remind people that they don’t need a label, only to use one if they want to.

Defining an experience is impossible to do comprehensively, and it will always be different from someone else’s - so why not just remind yourself that they’re just words!

When I’m in my non-binary state, I use they/them pronouns, and wish to look androgynous; there are times that it becomes so intense, that I identify as trans-masculine. I hesitate to use this word though, because as a whole I define myself as cis. There are few other words to summarise this, however. I may bind (with a sports bra), pack (with a sock), use he/him pronouns, and pity myself while thinking about sappy Achillean imagery in hopes that some day it’ll be me...

It took over a year to grow comfortable with this side of myself, and I’m sure that it will change over time as I become even more comfortable with myself. I try not to take too much seriously right now, and my sexuality and gender is a part of that. Whatever I feel right now is what I feel right now, and that’s just life. I can think about it later, when math gets boring.

- This interview was written as part of an ongoing project to create accessible resources by LGBT youth for LGBT youth.

Have more questions about being bisexual or bigender? Leave them in the comments or contact us using the contact form on this website.

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